The frustration flares up again, and I’m at a loss as to what I can do. What am I even supposed to do with this? It’s not the first time he’s acted this way, but confrontation is not something I’m used to; it makes me deeply uncomfortable, with my body growing hot and the lightheadedness coming in to cloud my thinking. This isn’t the time or place to feel this way though, so I stay silent until the feeling passes, but it’s also a way for me to buy some time.

I tell myself I could always say no, but that’s not something I do, not really. As unhappy as it may make me, I usually just swallow the anger, turn the actions that led me here over in my mind, like a worry stone or a stress ball that’s always in my hand, but tell myself, really, what are you even doing here? What happened already happened and there’s nothing you can do to change it. We’re here, in this moment, and you have to deal with it.

Was it something I did? I think I’m good at owning up to my mistakes, but how can I own up to something when I don’t think I did anything wrong?

I watch him sit there, with nothing to say, and I debate whether to fill the silence with something, but what is that going to get me. Is there anything to save at this point? The last year flashes through my mind, as though reliving it will somehow stop what’s happening now and we’ll be able to move on as though nothing happened. Maybe I don’t want to move on, but the familiarity is so comforting that I feel I’d be willing to live frustrated with what I know.

There’s nothing on his face that betrays thought, and I wonder whether we’re living this moment similarly at all. Maybe he’s frustrated that I don’t get it, or maybe he said what he said and that’s all there will be from this.

I pick at my fingernail, rubbing my thumb back and forth on it until the layer of nail lifts and I can start tearing it away. Maybe the most I can do is get up and walk away, I won’t have to deal with this today or again; if I don’t say anything we can pretend it never happened, but the thought makes my breathing catch.

“All right then, “ I say, getting up and head for the door.